Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Eiffel Tower Is A Portal To Hell and other things you already knew

BY DEBBIE FANATIA

For generations, Parisians have known that the Eiffel Tower is a portal to hell, and have left unsuspecting tourists prey to Satan's sinister minions who enter our world through a secret trap door under the tower.

"People frequently say they leave the tower changed, and they do. The demons sometimes take people back down with them, but more often they suck their souls and leave the bodies to climb back down in a daze and carry out their evil missions," says Jacques Boudreau, visibly shuddering.

"Parisians have known about the portal for years. Why do you think you don't see Frenchmen up there? We'd just as soon leave the tourists to the demons, especially the Americans."

Witnesses report horrid smells and sordid noises coming from under the tower, but officials have been told to attribute it to traffic noises and poor plumbing in the tower's restaurants. Locals, however, have learned to spot afflicted tourists and avoid them at all costs. "I see a glassy-eyed American come into my bakery, first thing I ask him is if he's been to the Eiffel Tower," says Richard Mouton, a local. "He says yes, I throw him out."

Published on: 01/18/2005

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE HO
Pimp writes self-help book

By DAVID TOLSEY

Flozell Wilson wants to impart some advice to his corral of ladies. "Take it one day at a time, ladies, because you never know what's around the street corner."

Those thoughtful words are part of Flozell's new book called Chicken Soup for the Ho.

"I know that ladies of the night have some tough times hangin' on the streets," says Flozell. "So I thought I would do my part to tell them life is all good. This book is a culmination of five years of hard work. I just hope it helps my bitches out."

"Flozell's been my Poppi for so long now," says Bianca Tavarez. "Now, I start every evening out with a passage from his book. Robert Fulghum and the rest of those so-called writers ain't got nothin' on my daddy. He writes inspirational words like, 'The grass is always greener on the other side of the sidewalk.' "

While Chicken Soup for the Ho may not make it to the New York Times bestseller list, Flozell can still envision a full-time writing career one day. "Check it, I'll make sure my bitches are secured with another pimp before I pull a Finding Forrester on them."

Published on: 01/13/2005

BATTLE OF THE 7-FOOT MESSIAHS


By APRIL SUMMERS

The Messiah is a 7-foot-tall blond David Hasselhoff look alike -- and he's coming to save the planet from another 7-foot messiah that amazingly resembles Osama Bin Laden!

At least that's the picture painted by spiritual medium Wendy Lockwood, of Aurora, Colo. She says this hunky messiah appeared to her in a vision.

Based on her drawings, he's a tall, statuesque man whose looks are a beautiful blend between Baywatch star David Hasselhoff and American Idol runner-up Jason Guarini. He's supposedly 79 years old, but doesn't look a day over 25.

Lockwood claims her messiah, named "Harjas," is hiding from the public until the time is right, but when he does appear, it will be to save the planet from another messiah, a Bin Laden look-alike called "Maitreya."

To the uninformed spectator, this meeting will only be an incredible fight between David Hasselhoff and Osama Bin Laden, but really, the fate of the earth will rest on these 7-foot giants' shoulders!

The spiritualist claims that when Harjas comes, he will set up shop near Denver, Colo., which will then be known as the "altar of the world," and, even though he will be jaw-droppingly attractive, he won't allow himself to profit from his pulchritude.

"He won't be a celebrity," she says. "He refuses to be worshipped."

Published on: 01/20/2005

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