Friday, January 14, 2005

You Talk Good

Had another good day yesterday.
I'm begining to wonder if those months and months of bad days were all stemming from the same source of stress, or if all my recent days are so great now, because the stress is gone?
Does that make sense? Is that redundent? I'm not sure.

Looks like Carnival De Sade is off tonight, so we're looking for some other trouble to get in too.

Had a lovely dinner, lots of drinks, and stayed up late watching one of my fave movies with M last night.

One of the things that always stands out about the time M and I spend alone together is how much I enjoy our talks. If we're talking about something personal, something political, or something silly-he is a wonderful person to talk with.
I've missed discussion.
I think that's another element connected to my recent past. It got to the point where I was afraid to disagree, or even open up discussions. It would typically end up with my being yelled at, or talked at, or talked over. It makes for a very frustrating conversation when the other person makes such effort to not let you speak. It makes you not want to talk at all.
And that behavior is so out of character for me-


Girls Who Are Boys

I became one of those try to please little girls, and am still making my way out of the haze to my old self again.
I used to look at intimate relationships, and interactions in ways that some have described as more typical of a boy than a girl.
I set the parameters, I partook to the extent that I wanted, and enjoyed the moment.
I lost that in the past year and a half, trying so hard to help and please someone who now yells that he never wanted the help in the first place.
And now I have learned another lesson about myself :)
People are who they are-you can't change who you are to try and make someone else happy. I will no longer try and be what someone else wants me to be, and I will no longer alter my actions and reactions just to try and keep someone else in their happy place. That's not my job, and if this expierence is what it has taken for me to learn that lesson, then it was all worth it.

Who Like Boys to be Girls

Over dinner last night M and I talked about our circles and our friends.
We also mused over the fact that 90% of the men I am attracted too either know they are gay, or are gay and do not know it yet. My attraction may be an even more reliable tool than the famous gay-dar. If I am attracted to a boy, bets are he is gay. I can't help it. I LOVE pretty boys. Beyond the pretty factor, I also adore a man who is self assured. Straight boys are always trying so hard to figure out who they are, they usually lack a confidence beyond their projected exterior. Smugness or conceitedness are not cool.
And then of course sass is sexy.
All that being said, my number one crush of the moment is not gay, or even especially pretty. But he is wonderfully delicious :)

Who Do Boys Like They're Girls

As I'm starting to sink into my old skin, I'm missing connections that used to make me very happy. Harmless flirting that makes boys blush and giggle. Instigating kisses with boys who are sweet and shy. Wallowing in the attention and affection of a boy who is smitten. A boy who has no intention of possesing or having you, one that simply enjoys you, and is thrilled to have you enjoy him too. No soap opera-no drama-no after school special.

Who Do Girls Like They're Boys

So I guess I've realized I'm ready to meet some new people. Some boys who will not treat me like this thing to be contained, but rather as they treat their friends. Some boys who will not expect me to be the end all to if they are having fun out somewhere. Some boys who won't bully, who won't dictate, and who won't insist on domination of your attention when out in a group.
Some boys who will be friends, and value a girl like they value all the other important things in their lives. Treat someone with respect and regard, not push them under thumb, provoking self-inflicted feelings of obligation.
Not all boys treat girls unfairly, or with less than positive actions-but a lot do.
I need to stand by my conviction of accepting people for who they are-don't make allowances for behavior you don't like-move on from the behavior.

Always Should Be Someone You Really Love

You can't help who you love, or who you fall in love with.
And if someone does not love who they are, how will they ever recognize love from you?
But you can love who you are-and if you lose touch with who you are, you can always step back and find yourself.
However difficult that search and journey may be, I think the prize at the end is what makes it all worth the while.


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