Friday, July 29, 2005

late night phone calls

So I called him to tell him about my night out,
my night filled with golf and temptation.
And he told me he was thinking of me, because on Mtv there was THAT video playing,
and he would always think of me, and his fear that I was unobtainable back when he first saw the video a year ago and was reminded of me.

I guess in a way, I owe my betrothal to that video.
If he had not seen THAT video, and not been made to think of me, he would have never sought me out, and I would not be engaged today.

At any rate...

It's an early morning for him, and he seems to be ok with me calling so very early-
want to see the video that provoked it all? (in a rather sick and twisted sort of way)
the video that made him think I may be lost after reading my online journal?...
The song that made him think I was lost to a Monkey?

scroll down to " Texas: In Demand Video"

Such foolishness :)
To think a monkey could ever make a girl forget-

"When we were together I was blown away
Just like paper from a fan
But you would act like I was just a kid
Like we were never gonna last

Now I’ve got someone who cares for me
He wrote my name in silver sands
I think you know you’ve lost the love of your life
(and you said) I was the best you’ve ever had

Because I’m in demand
You’re thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn’t understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I’m in demand

Don’t ever think you saw the best in me
There’s a side you’ll never know
Cos love and loving are too different things
Set your sites far too low

Now I’ve got someone who cares for me
He wrote my name in silver sands
I think you know you’ve lost the love of your life
(and you said) I was the best you’ve ever had

Because I’m in demand
You’re thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn’t understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I’m in demand"

Thursday, July 28, 2005

"Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all."

"Can everybody see me?
Can you all hear me?
In the light of the dark events of recent weeks...
Professor Dumbeldore has granted me permission to start this little dueling club
To train you all up, in case you ever need to defend yourselves,
as I myself have done on countless occasions,
for full details see my published works.

Let me introduce my assistant,
Professor Snape.
He has sportingly agreeded to help me with a short demonstration.
Now I don't want any of you youngsters to worrry...
you will still have your Potions Master when I am through with him, never fear."

Ah temptation.
And the delight of finding temptation.
Who does not love temptation?

So I'm in the rules-
I'm still on the list-
Now let's see how temptation effects outcome.

"Scared Potter?
"You Wish!"

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"give me my sin again"

So I'm a little nervous about Friday night.
It'll be the first night back in Gomorra-and I'm not sure how I'm going to do.

When I chatted with Colin today about it, he only said he had every faith that I would do what was right for me.
Then me pointed out-

"Acquiescence to certain kisses does not mean any sin is forgivable. We've committed to share our sins with eachother alone."
"And my kisses are sinful?" I asked.

The point is, I'm fretting over being back where most of my temptation stems from, and he has no doubt that I'll do the right thing.

I have to admit that his confidence made me a bit grumpy.

But I've been a bit grumpy for the last few days.

I'm not having great expierences with sharing the news of my engagement with people I have been dating.
Poor Saryn has had to up with my bitching how infuriating boys can be, and if there is one thing she should not have to be a part of it is boy drama.

It's not even like I was seriously dating anyone state side-just lots of non-serious dates with a few friends.
Boys who are friends, who know you were never interested in anything other than adventures and distractions, do not take well to being told the distracting adventures have to end.

And it frustrates me to no end.

I expect that people who you were friends with prior to dating, who you then become unavailable too, would embrace your change in status and be happy for you, as your friend.

For the most part this has not been the case.

I am reminded that boys are possesive, angry little widgets.

Now that I think about it, the only semi-positive responses I have gotten to the news have been one person saying that he, "is not afraid of a challenge", and Ryan saying something about there always being room for jello.
(I think he's the jello in that annalogy)

Rom. If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this;
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. 96
Jul. Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss. 100
Rom. Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
Jul. Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Rom. O! then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair. 104
Jul. Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.
Rom. Then move not, while my prayers’ effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purg’d. [Kissing her.
Jul. Then have my lips the sin that they have took. 108
Rom. Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urg’d!
Give me my sin again.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."

So here it is-
for Saryn,
who says I'm hiding my developments.
It is true-
I find myself spoken for, and the object of a rather charming proposal.

That's all I'll say.


a man who includes Alan Rickman and a room for shoes in a proposal is likely more than I deserve.

Monday, July 18, 2005

...and today I fell in love with Oxford

'If you came in from the street and went through the College...
the sense of gradual penetration into a holy of holies was very strong.
First you went through the Newton quadrangle which is dry and gravelly;florid but beautiful.
Georgian buildings look down upon it.
Next you must enter a cool tunnel-like passage, nearly dark at midday unless either the door into the Hall should be open on your right or the buttery hatch on your left, giving you a glimpse of indoor daylight falling on panels, and a whiff of the smell of fresh bread.
When you emerged from this tunnel you would find yourself in the medieval college: in the cloister of the much smaller quadrangle called Republic...
Half a mile is a short walk, yet it seemed a long time before I came to the centre of the Wood.
I knew if was the centre, for there was the thing I had chiefly come to see.
It was a well: a well with steps going down to it and the remains of an ancient pavement about it.
I did not step on it, but I lay down on the grass and touched it with my fingers.
For this was the heart of Bracton or Bragdon wood: out of this all the legends had come and on this, I suspected, the very existence of the College had originally depended.'

That Hideous Strength, C S Lewis

My latest affair, Mr Blackwell, provided me with a thirst for the above.

We sought out the Fellows Garden, found the spot, and then it began to rain.
Ah Bliss!
Finally a lovely, seductive, rainy afternoon.
Perhaps I could spend some days here afterall.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

'I wonder anybody does anything at Oxford but dream and remember, the place is so beautiful. One almost expects the people to sing instead of speaking. It is all like an opera.'
-William Butler Yeats

Today I spent the day on the Cherwell.
He rowed, I watched from his clubs house.
Then he took out a boat and we went punting-he punted (is that right?) and I read aloud and drank wine.
-And yes I did try myself for a bit, but it is quite difficult and I actually lost the pole to the mud at one point and we had to circle back and pull it from the water.
Thankfully the poles float.

I've come all the way to the UK and am now sunburned.

Tonight we visited the Eagle and Child for a weekly literary meet up.
Apparently C S Lewis, and Tolkein both attended these meetings back while they were here.
It was interesting in a scholarly sort of way, but the boys lost my company after the 2nd hour and I went out to the courtyard and joined a table of Irish lads who are traveling around the UK on holiday.

Tomorrow we are leaving town to visit a palace that is in the area, and tomorrow afternoon I am finally going to see this damned dodo that has been haunting Jeff for the last few months.

Hope you are all doing well-having a lovely time and miss you much.

Monday, July 11, 2005

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."

The story goes, that the first time Oscar visited America for his lecture tour series, he was asked at customs if he had anything to declare.

His answer, "I have nothing to declare except my genuis."

My declaration as I am hours away from customs is not nearly as clever.

Of my list of things 'ToDo' before my departure, (of which there are 14) I am in the process of completing the first one.

Thankfully things like updating my iPod, and sewing the patch on my Slytherin sweater are the sorts of things that can be done at the same time.

And I'm still hoping to get one more golf round in too.

While The Flurry is great at carrying sticks, chasing bugs, and opening cabinets, she is most unhelpful when you are trying to pack and ask for wardrobe advice.

Sunday, July 10, 2005


From The Onion :)


‘I No Longer Have a Reason to Live,’ Says Despondent Potter Fan

A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling opus, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”

Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, “I no longer have a reason to live.”

Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston’s house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter – and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.

“When Jude got that vanity license plate that said ‘Hogwarts,’ that seemed harmless enough,” said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. “But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help.”

According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store.

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston’s death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.

“In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude’s life, even if he didn’t have one,” she said.

Elsewhere, President Bush called the jailing of a New York Times reporter “a positive step,” but warned that many other reporters were still at large.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."

Lots and lots of emails and voicemail messages to go through today.

I'm overcome with relief that everyone across the pond is accounted for, and filled with such warmth at everyone's kind words and concern.

The wishes and thoughts from so many friends has been humbling.

Doug would say its awesomtastic-I think thats how he spells it.
However it's spelled, it's a very good way to describe the surprise and appreciation I'm feeling thanks to everyones outpouring.

Yes I'm still going on my trip-(sorry Mum)
though the plans while there have changed a bit.

M and C are no longer getting married in Vegas-

C was struck by flying glass this morning and had to spend some time in hospital getting lots of stitches on her face, and having glass removed from one of her eyes.
In a very Shawn of the Dead type adventure, she couldn't connect using her mobile, and his mobile was not working, so she had the hospital call his local.
Some kid who works there ran up the block and knocked on his door to tell him where she was.
He was understandably freaked out, and she has some blank spaces in her memory of everything that she's seen.
After the day they've had, she no longer feels up to flying to the U.S. for a wedding, or much of anything.
In a few hours they are heading to her parents home in Manchester to give her some time to relax and settle down.

Hopes are for the availability of the church she attended growing up being available one week from Saturday.

So out of tragedy, a bit of celebration of life and love :)
Finally got a call that Colin is ok-
he was not in London today.
Can't connect to anyone else.
No idea
It's 6 a.m. and have already gotten 2 phone calls asking me to cancel the trip

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. "

Sunday, July 03, 2005

"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

I've often asked people how they describe me to those I have not met.
Typically men seem to rely on physical descriptions, while women dwell on personality traits.
I think this is why when men ask us about a female friend, they assume she must be unattractive, because we do not begin with how she looks, but rather her traits we are most fond of.

This morning I find myself reminded of such thoughts, and recent friend-of-friend comments.

Yesterday was the Live 8 concert, and apparently the use of a cell phone in Hyde Park was a great challenge. Due to this circumstance, He called me when he got back to M's home to tell me about the show.
He had tried several times to call me during the show to let me hear performances, and to share in the excitement going on.
While on the phone with me, I heard M's fiance asking about me. Mostly general inquiry type stuff, that He answered very complimentary.
He told her I was charming, and intelligent, and thoughtful.
Then he excused himself and went to some other part of the flat to continue talking with me.
Quick catch up conversation, finalized some plans for once I arrive, and said good night.

This morning I got an unexpected call from Him.
He wanted to let me know that M's fiance would be staying at M's while I was there also.
He wanted to warn me so I would not be surprised.
When I asked why I would care, he said she had not planned to stay while I was there until she saw the BarSluts photo page.

I had already expected her to be there while I was there.
So now after seeing photos she has this perception of me being someone who would make some move on His best friend.
Her need to be there to keep an eye on things is not only sad considering she is getting married in just over a month, but I feel like an unfair projection on myself.
Nevermind that I am invited to the wedding.

Add this to the fact that last week P got word from someone he has a crush on that she has feelings of hesitation after seeing images of him out clubbing with his female friends, me being one of those.

So I asked Him if he offered any explanation to her.
He said he didn't feel like any explanation was needed, and would never make excuses to someone on my behalf.

I got frustrated and told him I was on my way into the gym and that I would call him later.

Admittidly, while out with the BarSluts I do dress different than I do in my day to day life.
Just like at the office, I have no intention of going about at M's in a corset and super high heels.

Maybe I'm the odd one out though.
Perhaps most people do not compartmentalize their lives the way I do, and the concept of dressing one way while out, and being someone completely different the rest of the time is more forign than I realize.

So I went about the rest of my morning, running errands and letting thoughts of P's friend, and M's fiance bounce around in my head.
I started thinking that if I don't want women to have this type of first impression of me, maybe I should cease to go out dressed as I do.

Log onto the computer, update the iPod, and check email...

"When did you begin to care what others think?
Part of your super powers are based on indifference to outside opinion.
Or is that just being a Texan?
Do try to remember how very frightening a concept a Texan can be to us. :)
In what ever way, don't forget that to me you are amazing.
And to allow an opinion to dim who you are, would leave me and the other moths searching."

He's very sweet.
And before you lecture me, yes I plan to call him and tell him so.
But I'm still wondering.
Maybe it's a sign of age on my part?
I don't want to be one of those blinky-light wearing 50 year old club patrons trying to hold on to my youth.
Of course I also don't want to be one of those people who live their life based on fear of acceptance or lack of understanding from the 'every man'.

For My Darling Ryan

Letter RY version 1sign AN