Sunday, July 03, 2005

"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

I've often asked people how they describe me to those I have not met.
Typically men seem to rely on physical descriptions, while women dwell on personality traits.
I think this is why when men ask us about a female friend, they assume she must be unattractive, because we do not begin with how she looks, but rather her traits we are most fond of.

This morning I find myself reminded of such thoughts, and recent friend-of-friend comments.

Yesterday was the Live 8 concert, and apparently the use of a cell phone in Hyde Park was a great challenge. Due to this circumstance, He called me when he got back to M's home to tell me about the show.
He had tried several times to call me during the show to let me hear performances, and to share in the excitement going on.
While on the phone with me, I heard M's fiance asking about me. Mostly general inquiry type stuff, that He answered very complimentary.
He told her I was charming, and intelligent, and thoughtful.
Then he excused himself and went to some other part of the flat to continue talking with me.
Quick catch up conversation, finalized some plans for once I arrive, and said good night.

This morning I got an unexpected call from Him.
He wanted to let me know that M's fiance would be staying at M's while I was there also.
He wanted to warn me so I would not be surprised.
When I asked why I would care, he said she had not planned to stay while I was there until she saw the BarSluts photo page.

I had already expected her to be there while I was there.
So now after seeing photos she has this perception of me being someone who would make some move on His best friend.
Her need to be there to keep an eye on things is not only sad considering she is getting married in just over a month, but I feel like an unfair projection on myself.
Nevermind that I am invited to the wedding.

Add this to the fact that last week P got word from someone he has a crush on that she has feelings of hesitation after seeing images of him out clubbing with his female friends, me being one of those.

So I asked Him if he offered any explanation to her.
He said he didn't feel like any explanation was needed, and would never make excuses to someone on my behalf.

I got frustrated and told him I was on my way into the gym and that I would call him later.

Admittidly, while out with the BarSluts I do dress different than I do in my day to day life.
Just like at the office, I have no intention of going about at M's in a corset and super high heels.

Maybe I'm the odd one out though.
Perhaps most people do not compartmentalize their lives the way I do, and the concept of dressing one way while out, and being someone completely different the rest of the time is more forign than I realize.

So I went about the rest of my morning, running errands and letting thoughts of P's friend, and M's fiance bounce around in my head.
I started thinking that if I don't want women to have this type of first impression of me, maybe I should cease to go out dressed as I do.

Log onto the computer, update the iPod, and check email...

"When did you begin to care what others think?
Part of your super powers are based on indifference to outside opinion.
Or is that just being a Texan?
Do try to remember how very frightening a concept a Texan can be to us. :)
In what ever way, don't forget that to me you are amazing.
And to allow an opinion to dim who you are, would leave me and the other moths searching."

He's very sweet.
And before you lecture me, yes I plan to call him and tell him so.
But I'm still wondering.
Maybe it's a sign of age on my part?
I don't want to be one of those blinky-light wearing 50 year old club patrons trying to hold on to my youth.
Of course I also don't want to be one of those people who live their life based on fear of acceptance or lack of understanding from the 'every man'.

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